The same old way...

Indulge me in a minute of brain-picking ranting:

I'm getting so if I don't have to work, and I don't have anything planned, I get a little panicky. THIS is how much I've let myself neglect myself. While it's unrealistic to assume I would spend every waking minute that I'm not at work pursuing my career/art/whatever (ok, it's really not that unrealistic), I should hope I'd spend SOME of my time doing that. I mean, for me. Jesus! Isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing? Isn't that what I WANT to be doing? But all I do is watch tv, cross-stitch, mope around at the computer, have solo dance parties, or let the dirty dishes pile up around me.

The point is, I think, that I need to maybe adjust my attitude about solo time and try, just try, to be a little more motivated or productive. Or, at the very least, be easier on myself when I'm not either of those things. Because if I"m not doing anything, I may as well try to feel okay about it.

Right?

Man, I don't know.

This being said, I've been lucky to see friends lately. After work on Friday, I took a walk with Ben and ate some Pomme Frites. He was dropping a play off in the LES somewhere so he stopped by. Or maybe it was: he was dropping a play off, and walked by. I don't know. Either way, it was an interaction far more pleasant and civil than any of our previous ones, which was good. Yes, good. After that, I went to the Strand and blew $20-something on books and some squared Moleskines for x-stitch charts. Then I went to Forbidden Planet and bought the newest American Splendor. Some part of me really loves going in that place and looking at the bizarre mix of people in there. Fanboys and girls, Japanese cutie pies, fat old dudes, hipsters, all kinds. I love it. Then I read A.S. in Union Square while a man in a suit stared at me. For half an hour. Stared. At. Me. I tried to ignore it but eventually it became too much.

Craig got out of work and we met up but he had a searing headache and I was tired of carrying my books and we couldn't agree on anything to do so it looked like a classic Anna/Craig passive-aggressive encounter was about to occur, but he finally gave in to the temptation of Red Stripe in my fridge and came back to Wburg with me. Gossiping and drinking ensued.

Yesterday, I had a brief but fun visit with Joanna and Justin, singing friends from Boston. We walked around Thomson Square Park and they expressed shock and horror at every hipster/weirdo we passed. They don't coime to NY much. He doesn't leave the plantation much. :)

Today, I met up with Emily (one night only, folks!), Julie, and Molly for breakfast at the hip and delicious Egg on North 6th. We had to wait about 45 minutes, but it was no big thing and we were obviously happy to catch up while waiting. I had eggs and grits and they were....mmmmm. Uh-huh. It was wonnnnnnderful to see them. After, Julie and I went to Brooklyn Industries where I bought a bag, thinking "I'll return it in a few days, when common sense kicks in." Too bad she stamped FINAL SALE on my receipt. Looks like I'll have to keep it. Rats.

Tonight was work, watching tv on the computer, reading boring boring boring verbose thick unexciting (but I am halfway through so have to slog through) "Atonement," and eventually drinking beer with Chriz and Elliot, listening to Lily Allen, in the box office. I get paid for this? Give me a break.

Now? Twin Peaks.

The Big Shakeup

Exciting news today-- new candy at work! 100 Grand, Oh Henry!, Raisinets, Goobers.....lots more to stuff my gaping maw with. Will the joy never end?

I am in a state of agitated confusion. I have the opportunity to stage manage a group of four shows that run for a weekend in November. Other things I have to do in November are: see Tasia's show in Boston, and hopefully go to the Berkshire foothills all-day singing. I also have to make a living. This is the hardest part.

If I decide to work on the shows, my schedule will get very very very tight and I'll probably have to race around like a lunatic for two and a half weeks. I'll probably be cranky and tired all the time. But I will also probably meet some awesome people (they already seem super cool) that could be possible collaborators. And don't I always try to believe that if I wait until I'm ready, I'll never do anything?

I guess the solution is maybe to cut down a little on everything. Like, I could maybe not go away to sing....even though I really want to. I NEED to see Tasia's show-- it isn't an option. I would feel so bad if I didn't, AND I really want to.


I don't know. No matter what I do, I'm not going to get to do all the things I want to do, AND I'm not going to make as much money as I want to make. So if I accept that now, shouldn't it be okay?

To close....dictionary.com's word of the day is awesome today:

ensorcell \en-SOR-suhl\, transitive verb: To enchant; to bewitch.