Luxurious Ramblings; Or, Too Much Time to Think!

I'm not sure anymore what is coincidence, and what I invent; what things in my life exist without me and what things exist only because I acknowledge them.

Obviously if something exists, it exists. I'm not crazy enough, yet, to believe otherwise.

Okay, but-- this morning, I was leaving Erin's apartment and I looked at this table that sits in her lobby, like I always do (sometimes people leave really weird shit on it, like shiny pictures of giant butterflies or baby food, lots and lots of baby food) and something jumped out at me-- a flyer for the BU CFA InCite Festival. This is the umbrella under which showcase falls this year, as well as this upcoming production of EGBDF at the Town Hall that I'm supposed to be doing. So I obviously went to see who it was addressed to, not expecting it to be someone I actually knew. But it was. And apparently she lives in Erin's building. WEIRD. Even weirder is that with that flyer was another one that was addressed to a different building, but also to someone I know well.

Coincidence? Yup. I knew one of these people lived in Astoria, and Astoria's a small place, so really, none of this is THAT weird. But it is.

Yesterday, as I looked at my phone to read a text, a girl stepped right in front of me at the bus stop who was carrying something that reminded me so intensely of this person whose text I was reading-- for a reason outside of myself, I mean. Not just my own personal association.

I know I get in moods where EVERYTHING is a coincidence and EVERYTHING is significant-- even if I don't know how. Like when that page from Death in Venice was sitting on my threshold the other day.

This is all somehow linked to my fascination with an idea that was articulated to me in Tony Barrand's Stalking the Wild Mind class that I took junior year. Prof. Barrand was out sick for a few weeks and had various class members pinch hit as teachers. This really lovely girl, Claire, or Kate, or who knows, or why does it ever matter....Claire or Kate gave us a crash course in reading Tarot cards. And I've never been able to say it like she did, but the idea that stuck with me the most at the time and still does is that the cards are not shaping the future or predicting the future in anyway, nor are they creating anything that didn't already exist-- the are simply a way for us to realize what we are already thinking or feeling, or what is already inside of us. It's a way to see what already existed.

My problem or challenge with Tarot cards, though, is the fact that once I've drawn the card, I sometimes become obsessed with its meaning in my life and how I am consciously affecting the "outcome" that is one the card. Of course this is fruitless-- because it ISN'T an "outcome" at all. For example-- the other day, I pulled one card for myself as sort of a potential barometer of the day. Sometimes it's nice to do this. I pulled a card that in some interpretations can relate to friendship or joviality withing relationships, but can also mean forced happiness. So the idea that when I hung out with my friends later than night, I'd be forcing myself to have fun just sort of arrested me. Luckily, I was able to forget all about it.

I am trying to work on not being paralyzed or obsessed by coincidence.

But I guess there are worse things to be. :)